Monday, August 16, 2010

Jonah and the Whale

Well, the last couple of weeks have been nothing less than a whirlwind. Josh got laid off from his company almost a year ago to date. That was tough because we were in a place where we didn't have family and our close friends could be counted on less than one hand.

As the year drug on, through the snow and ice storms real estate really picked up for me. I did very well for myself in a very small amount of time, but my heart was not in it. I was not driven enough to get up in the morning and aggressively look for clients; I am not a fan of whoring myself out for free. These people have to pay me what I know I'm worth. Anyway, our plan was to move back home, meaning Florida. We visited and loved being close to family and friends. We searched for apartments, jobs, and schools. Our minds were made up, then the Coleman Company called out of the blue (any camping item that is not made by L.L. Bean, Lands End, or Northface is made by Coleman). They contacted Josh before the position was posted on any of the major job sites. He was the first interviewee and felt really confident, what did he have to lose, we were going home if it didn't work out. This was a win win, family, beach, friends, sun and culture or job, experience, money and benefits. The interview went really well and they said they would let him know in a couple weeks. Well, a couple weeks turned into a couple months. We were OVER IT!

An opportunity for us to move back to Los Angeles arose, Josh passed up multiple freelance opportunities while waiting on Coleman. Together, we decided it would be best to move back to the craziness that is known as LA. It would be beneficial for both of us, he could work and I could begin culinary school. Once again, a win win situation. We planned a visit to look for apartments and check out the culinary school (Le Cordon Bleu). I scheduled our days down to the minute and of course, because I set a plan, it blew up in our faces.

We strolled through Pasadena and found an apartment we loved. It is a completely green complex. If you own a hybrid vehicle, you got a closer parking space. All of the appliances are energy star rated, and best of all, there is an equity program where the leasing company matches 20% of your monthly rent and puts it aside for when you are ready to build or purchase a house. We were so excited. One of our favorite places to eat is Because LA is so massive, we went back to the hotel to search for the address on the Internet. I went down to the lobby while Josh chilled out (less than 10 minutes). The time it took me to search for the restaurant, get on the elevator and climb back to the fourth floor, the Coleman Company called and wanted to extend an offer to Josh. SERIOUSLY! I, for once in my life, was totally speechless. Josh was beside himself, so we went to lunch and he proceeded to get drunk. He is probably the best drunk there is because he is never sloppy and always funny. I guess it is also good because it doesn't take a ton of booze to get him drunk so he sobers up pretty quickly too. Another win win situation.

After some negotiation with Coleman, I guess we will be staying in Wichita for the time being. My dreams of being a cross between Gordon Ramsey, Anthony Bourdain, and Cat Cora are on hold for the moment. This is a little bitter sweet. I am excited for Josh and our future. Who knows what is in store for us. Things obviously have a way of working themselves out...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

One check or separate

I am so annoyed! Actually, the word annoyed doesn't describe how I am feeling. If I could be like Superman and shoot lasers out of my eyes, I would.

Josh and I like to go out to eat every so often. We like chatting, experiencing things I can't make at home, and being served. One of my pet peeves when dining is around check time. I've noticed there has been a new wave of check presenting. It goes like this, Would you like this on one check, or would you like separate checks? It seems like we get asked this question EVERYTIME we go out. I noticed it a long time ago, but now that we are married, it pisses me off. It just bothered me a little before.

When we were in KC, I had a little conversation with our server at the Cheesecake Factory. It went something like this:
Me smiling: I have a quick question for you.
Server smiling: Sure, go ahead.
Me still smiling: Do you ask all your tables if they are going to be on one check or separate?
Server still smiling: I usually only ask if it is a party of six or more.
Me smiling with one raised eyebrow: Oh, OK, then why did you ask us?
Server confused: I am not sure
Me done smiling: Oh, well, this is my husband and I was just curious because that happens to us a lot.
Server more confused than ever: Oh.

I don't think it is the question I mind; I know it's the presumptuous nature of the whole thing that bothers me...and the fact that we hold hands across the table. If we aren't a couple, I guess we have to begin making out at the table so we don't get asked this question. Maybe the servers have been trained that women these days are soooo independent while on a date, they might like to pay for their own meal. WTF. If you are going to pay for one meal, on a date, I would rather drive-thru than waste time and money on a sit down establishment. Do they ask that question of couples at Ruth's Chris or Morton's? I wonder if Le Bernardin asks that question of its guests.

Just sit the GD check down at the end of the table and let your guests figure it out. If they want separate checks, they will TELL YOU!!!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I know what Lindsay Lohan must feel like

One of the greatest things we have purchased has been an espresso/coffee maker. This allows me to not spend money at Starbucks. I will miss all of my friends at my local coffee shop who readily have my Chi Tea Latte or my Moca Latte in hand as I pull through the drive-thru.

This morning was the first time I'd used the espresso machine because I had a long morning ahead. I filled the water reservoir to the 4 or 5 servings of espresso line and waited to smell the charred grounds transform into the liquid deliciousness I crave.

I poured the liquid crack into my togo cup and added soy milk. I should have know by the color it wasn't going to end well. It didn't have the LMJ color I expected, It looked more like LRJ. I ran out the door and was on my way.

The first hour was fine. I was zipping along on a stomach filled with jet fuel. Hour two came and went, then hour three punched me in the face like a TKO from mike Tyson. I began to get car sick. I DON'T GET CAR SICK! I had the jitters and began speaking faster than normal. As long as I was moving, I was fine.

I got home for lunch right around one and crashed. Now I know what a day in the life of Lindsay Lohan is like. I think she can keep it.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Hoffelds and Jacksons

Ahh, look at the happy family. Here we are in the hotel lobby prior to the wedding. I think our parents were more nervous about this than we were. This was it for both sets of parents; no more babies to send of into the world of wedded bliss (so we better mean it, right). We rode separately to the courthouse, Hoffelds in one car and Jacksons in another. Now to think of it, the juxtaposition of the vehicles his humorous, Jacksons in white car and Hoffelds in a black car, weird. Thankfully, the rain from last week was held at bay by bright sunshine and 90 degree temperatures. All we were lacking the breeze from the ocean air and it would have felt like home. We parked the cars and were walking to the courthouse with the blazing sun beating down on us and Josh's mom and I turned to Josh and asked, "Are you sure you want to do this? Now is your time to back out, last chance." After wiping the sweat from his brow, he said, "I am more nervous about being in front of a judge than I am getting married." I said, "You're crazy, it is not like you have a criminal record!" The judge who preformed the ceremony is a criminal judge, I don't know if that had anything to do with it or not. Maybe my impressions of judges are a little warped, they don't intimidate me at all. My experiences with judges has also been drinking Cuban coffee with them while they puff away at cigarettes and ask what my parents were up to this week.

Oh, look at the cool couple, we are married! This photo was before the tequila and bourbon began flowing like the St. Johns River. Here is Cathy (Josh's mom) after a steak and a couple bourbons down the hatch!

We had dinner at an amazing restaurant here in Wichita called Chester's Chop House. It is the only thing that equates to a Ruth's Chris or Morton's. We laughed, ate well, and had a really good time. All in all, the day was great, I just wish I'd slept better the night before because once we got home, I crashed until it was time for the send off breakfast with our parents the next morning. We wished our siblings and their families could have joined us, but that just means we get to have another great celebration when we see them!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

New Plan

I've found a new form of torture. It is called P90-X. I truly believe if our prisoners were made to do this on a daily basis with small amounts of food, they might be less likely to re offend or offend in the first place. The daily routine would go as follows:

6:00a- Day guards arrive and collect their full body armour, ear plugs, tasers, 9MM hand guns, and AK-47s. The last two pieces of equipment are insurance policies should anyone get unruly.
6:30 - Guards wake inmates with a loud bull horn through the intercom system.
6:45 - Inmate breakfast
7:00 - Back to cells to let food digest
7:30 - Begin P90-X (should any inmate fall behind or slack off, they will get the lowest voltage from the taser)
9:30 - Break to get fresh air (walking around the yard)
10:30- Back to P90-X (if you puke, you get tased and begin again)
Noon - If they are up to it, LUNCH (if you puke this up, you must either eat it or pay a fine so the tax payers money isn't totally wasted.)
12:45p - Welcome to another round of P90-X
2:45 - Inmates are now allowed free time (sleep, hanging out with other inmates, reading a book, playing basketball, you get the drift.)
4:00 - One last round of P90-X, this time everything must be done double time (once again, if you slack or puke, the taser voltage is increased and you shall have surges of electricity moving through your body)
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Free time again until lights out
9:00 - Lights out

The plan is to exhaust them so they will be too tired to fight or cause problems while incarcerated. The general fear of having to do this on a daily basis will deter people who might want to commit crimes. I don't believe it can be viewed as cruel and unusual punishment because it is exercise. We all win! I've seen too many episodes of Lockup.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

For the last eight years, I've been a registered Libertarian. When I told my father I changed my registration, I thought the tears would flow instantaneously, but they didn't. He asked me why and then rolled his eyes. Almost all of my family are Democrats, so how did I become a Libertarian? Well, while in college I realized my disdain for Republicans was so intense it made me want to puke then stab myself in the eyes. My disappointment for Democrats made me want to slap all of them, one by one, in the face, like a pimp slaps his hos. I didn't want to affiliate myself with either party because partisan politics has shaped this country into a huge cesspool of assholes. Don't get me wrong, I still believe we'd have assholes if partisan politics were eliminated, I just believe the assholes wouldn't know what to do with themselves. They might be a little easier to control.

My ideals are totally Libertarian, but the rationale weighs in and that is not the way I vote. The reality of the situation is you are either an ass (donkey) or a fat ass (elephant). Both choices are pretty bleak.

I wish we lived in a place where welfare didn't exist because people were responsible enough to take care of them selves and their families or perish. I wish the government couldn't tell me what I can and can't watch. So what if an eight year old finds out who Jenna Jameson is. That is definitely NOT the government's fault. Where where the eight year old's parents when he was watching this?! If I don't want to wear my seat belt, I shouldn't have to! I wish pot were legal. How many of our country's violent offenders say, "Yeah, I smoked a blunt before I stabbed that lady on the street and stole her purse." Answer: NONE! They were too zoned out to even get up and hold a knife, no wait, they were too stoned to get up. I digress.

With the new health care bill passed, who knows what will happen. I wish all the loud mouth Republicans that cry about everything they don't support because they didn't think of it first would shut the fuck up! I wish they would suck it up and come to terms with the fact that they LOST! In my ideal world, the speech our fearless leader would have given after the new bill passed would have gone something like this: "Woo Hoo Mutha Fuckers, we did it! Suck on that you fascist pieces of shit! Who's the bitch now?!?!?! (all the while, middle fingers on both hands waving like he was in a rap video). I own you!" Then Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pilosi, and the rest of the Democrats would show they had true balls by standing at the podium of the house floor and popping a bottle of champagne and spraying it everywhere.

I don't know what is going to happen, but one of the amazing things about this country is, if we don't like something, I am sure we will find a way to change it.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Wedding Bullshit

I've decided that wedding planning and everything that goes along with it is a racket. It is similar to the toilet paper and tampon racket. The distributors get to charge whatever they want, not because these things are actually costly, but because they CAN! The vendors are like slot machines. They see SUCKER written all over your forehead. "Pull me," the machine screams.
After that first pull, you are hooked. You might not have won anything, but if you insert another coin and hit the button that doubles your odds, you might have a chance to come out unscathed...or at least that is what they want you to think. The slots turn and you've got 2 out of the 3 matched. Two cherries and a banana. It is so close, you can taste victory so you put another coin in the machine. At this stage in the game, you've hired a coordinator/planner; you've looked into florists, dresses, venues, caterers, and photographers. The slot machine cycle has spun out of control. When you realize you've been at the machine for 3 hours and only won 45 dollars of the 150 you spent you do one of 2 things: realize it is a lost cause and spend the 45 you won back and say "fuck it" or you walk away from the machine with the 45 dollars and some dignity.

So here we are. We are at the crossroads. We are ready to throw up our hands and create a third option. This is what I call the "Suck My Balls and eat a Turd Burger" option. This is the most extreme of the 3. This option entails running away, getting married, not telling anyone. This option came about because so many people have opinions of what we should do and have threatened no to come! Thank you for your support, we couldn't love you more!